I finally figured out how to get pictures from my phone to a computer file so that I could put them in my blog! I don't think the way I did it is the easiest, but at least it worked. This is a photo Orion sent me on my phone of their new baby daughter, Brooklyn. She was born on Wednesday, May 28, 2008 about 1:00 p.m. She weighed in at 9 lb. 3 oz., and she was 20 inches long. (I think all of that is correct. I didn't write it down, so I hope I didn't mess it up. I can always edit later, right?)
We got to see her the next day, and she is still adapting to her strange new environment. Whenever I see a new baby, all I can think about is how terrified I was everytime I took one of my new babies home, and how frightened I was. The memory of the terror has never gone away. Of course, I relaxed after I was into it a couple of days, but I can never forget the fear. It is interesting because now I am totally relaxed around babies when they are not mine. It was definately the fear of the responsibility I felt at having the stewardship over this new spirit. I was horrified that I would screw it up. Still am.
Welcome, Brooklyn. May you have a wonderful life full of the experiences that you will need to return to your Heavenly Home. I hope and pray I can at least watch from the sidelines, and that I will always do those things would edify your life in the ways I am able. I am not feeling particularly capable right now in that capacity. The time we are spending with our other grandchildren has not been very rewarding. They are not very happy spending time with us. I guess we are not willing to sacrifice enough. Jac told me one of the last times I talked with her that I was not a very good grandmother as I did not focus enough on the grandchildren. Maybe she was right.
Right now, running away looks like a brilliant solution. There were some folks we met when we were working at the temple who had an RV. They just drove from temple to temple serving 6 months at a time at different temples. It seemed so strange at the time, but right now it is very appealing. I think it is the "having your problems in your face all the time" that makes them difficult. The problems don't go away, but they are not nearly so pressing if you don't have to deal with them constantly.
I was thinking about this whole blog thing after Darius texted yesterday that he was worried about me based on the previous blog entry. It is so public. I journaled for many years, and that was very private. I think this is more healing if I force myself to be honest. Of course, the temptation is there to not be honest, but honesty is so difficult to determine anyway. Even when journaling, the fear is always there that your progenitures might read this someday, and oh my, what will they think???? Not ever being one to care much what others think, I have always worried about what my children would think. I always wanted to be a good example to them and worried that some of my mistakes would be taken as liberties that they could take that would render them as messed up as I was. All a generation can hope for is that the next one will be an improvement. While that wouldn't be that difficult to come up with in our case, one has to wonder what kind of legacy they will leave their children and their children's children. I am starting to see a lot of my faults in a different light, and where I once had hope, I am beginning to lose it. I don't have a whole lot of time to make the changes I had hoped would come by now. I feel like I need some time to think and ponder where my life is going.
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