Ode to Dorian

A tradition I started a number of years ago was recording a journal entry about each of my children on their birthdays. I haven't done it as consistently as I should ... in fact, that is the bane of my existence: consistency. I have not done anything as consistently as I should, except to be consistent with inconsistence, of course.

Anyway, I've been thinking for a week about Dorian's birthday. He is 35 today. He has had some rough times, and this year may fall into the memory banks as one of those, I think. I'm not really sure how he is perceiving it, but maybe someday we will be able to talk about it.

35 years ago, he was born in a hospital in Plantation, Florida. He was a month late, so he weighed 9 lbs. 3 oz. He was always a tall, skinny kid until we moved to our present home in rural Northeast Florida. Because he was used to the city life, he was a little intimidated by living in an area where there were no neighbors and no where to go, so he spent a lot of time at home. He had little interest in the outside activities the rest of us did with the landscaping and gardening and animal husbandry.

Dorian was a beautiful baby with the blondest hair you have ever seen in your life. He didn't have any brothers until he was 8 years old, and he always hated that he didn't have any siblings closer to his own age. I don't think he ever felt like he fit into his family. This is odd as I have always felt that way about my family. I am unlike any of my sisters. I thought I had been hatched or something. I think he feels more estranged now than ever, and this makes me very sad. I really love him so much, but I don't know how to relate to him in the situations he is in presently.

Loving our children is a very peculiar thing. We can love our children, and yet, this does not mean we always understand them. I have found that unconditional love is a gift given to me as a mother for which I am eternally grateful.

One thing a lot of people don't know about Dorian is how smart he is. As a 3 year, he was reading on a 3rd and 4th grade level. He has always been advanced, but this poses its own set of problems. We soon found that home school was the only way to keep up with his rapidly developing aptitude. He was horribly bored while in any classroom setting. We credit Dorian with teaching us about the wonders of home school. He taught us to value it as a superior form of education for anyone who wants the best for their children. When I first began homeschooling someone told me that no teacher could care about my child as much as his parents, and he taught us how true this statement is.

My greatest memory of his early childhood education was a teacher who told me she could not put Dorian in the time out room because all of the children wanted to be in there with him, and she could not maintain control of her classroom. Another memory I have was once when he was home with a little cold, he asked me if he could learn to write cursive...he was in kindergarten! That was when I realized he would never get to learn at his own pace in any other setting besides at home.

I don't think he ever really liked home schooling, unfortunately. I don't know if we would consider it a success with him or not as he always missed interaction with his peers. It was that same desire for socialization that got him in trouble while he was at school, so in retrospect, I still don't know what the best solution would have been. All I know is that we felt inspired to pull him out of government school, so I don't regret the decision. Since we were directed through revelation to do it the way we did, all I can suppose is that the alternative would not have been good for him. Maybe one day, all the unhappinesses he feels about his childhood will come into a different perspective. I hope so.

I love you, Dorian. I always have and always will. I'm sorry you see my actions as unloving. I can't change how you perceive us. All I can tell you is that I have spent most of my adult life trying to do things that would help you to be happy. May you find what will lead you to happiness and peace and joy.