A Little Bit Here, A Little Bit There, It All Adds Up...

I was listening to someone talk about cleaning out their space, and I was thinking how much decluttering our homes relates to decluttering our minds and our bodies. I have been hearing a lot about this lately, so it must be on everyone's mind. One poster went so far as to say if one is living in a cluttered environment, they can't possibly be making progress on decluttering their bodies or minds. That seems a little judgemental because one of the big factors in decluttering is how much space one has available. Some really do not have room for the necessities, but then again, maybe we just need to prioritize.

What I have learned from watching Roger go through this process (in watching him, I realized I did the same thing, but I couldn't see it in myself until I saw him) is that just as our bodies get rid of the waste by what I call shelves, we do the same with other decluttering that needs to be done. Example? ok.

We decided a couple of weeks ago to clean out our closet that had not been cleaned since we moved here. There were things put there when we first moved in and never looked at again. Then we just kept stuffing more and more things on top until we could barely get in there to get our clothes.

First, we just emptied everything out. It all started because we were getting rid of clothes we had undergrown in our 75 pound weight losses. Some of the obviously large clothes we had already gotten rid of, but there were some clothes to which we had emotional attachments. Imagine having emotional attachments to a piece of fabric! It seems strange to even say it.

As we started going through the piles in the closet, some things were so ridiculous to even think about saving that we laughingly threw it out or put it in the pile to sell at the flea market or donate to Goodwill. Other things, we actually had to think about. Remember, we did not even remember this stuff was there...how could we possibly need to KEEP IT? Some things had memories attached to it that caused us to shed a tear or two. I became aware of how many memories are attached to THINGS...

As we sorted, most of the stuff could be disposed of, but of the things we decided to keep, I saw an interesting pattern: emotional possessions. Part of the healing process we are going through in the raw vegan diet is very much emotional. We have learned that much (most, all, not sure what %) of the food we ate prior to starting the raw vegan diet was eaten for the emotional support it gave us. When I say emotional support, I'm thinking that's not such a good word for it. It served more as an emotional suppressor. Feeling sad, lonely, tired, depressed, angry, worried: have a bowl of chocolate pudding (or a piece of pizza, or .. well you get the picture). Since I no longer have those options available to me, it has become glaringly obvious that most of these foods with their addictive qualities serve the same function as alcohol does for the alcoholic and pot, cocaine, heroine, crack for the drug addict.

I read a story about a woman last night that had given up sugar for two weeks when someone came to her door at Christmas time with a box of chocolates for her. She knew if she ate them that she would have to start over in her attempt to get rid of the substance in her system, so she tossed it high in the attic where she wouldn't be able to get at it. (She had just had hip surgery and couldn't climb the stairs very well.) The longer it was in the house, the more she started thinking about how good they would taste, so finally she crawled up the stairs to get at it. It wasn't until she actually reached the top of the stairs in tremendous pain from the effort that she realized how foolish this was and how addicted she was to the substance. She didn't eat the chocolates by the way because this recognition got her through it.

Some would say, "So, what's the big deal? Just eat the stuff, and move on." I have found it is not that easy. Just as a drug addict won't get well by taking another hit, a food addict won't get better with another twinkie.

I realize a lot of people don't see the foods I no longer eat as addictive. It won't be long when one is without them that it will be realized. Healthful foods are never addictive. We may know that they are healthy and that we really want a salad today or some fresh juice, but there is a difference between knowing what we NEED to eat and desparately WANTING something. This is a good way to find out how addictive a substance is: go without it for a week, and see how desparate you are to have it.

In conducting this experiment, one must isolate the whole category. For example, you can't say, "Well, see, I gave up parmesan cheese this week, and I didn't have a negative symptom at all," when you continued to eat other dairy products. In fact, with a food addiction, the mind is very clever about substitutes. Any dairy product will feed a dairy addiction, any bread product a wheat addiction, any processed sugar a sweets addiction. I imagine alcoholics would go through this as well: any alcohol will do when the alcohol of choice is not available. My father was in detox in the hospital once for his alcoholism and begged for 8 oz. Hershey bars (which he normally never ate). This helped me make the connection between alcoholism and sugar addiction.

Well, I intended to write about decluttering our living spaces, and this may seem unrelated. In fact, since I have given up addictive foods, decluttering other aspects of my life has been complicated by the emotional addiction I have to things, memories, stuff in general. I have been really surprised by this. But the good news is, that as I peel off layers inside my body, I am able to peel off layers around my body including negative emotions, relationships, excess baggage. This is a wonderful side benefit. As I hit each new shelf internally, I can see how difficult it is by how difficult the external shelves are to clean. It is amazing how hand and hand they go.

As we enter this new phase of our lives via grandchildren living with us, we are able to apply these principles. I can already see where their emotional attachments are. I can see more clearly why the scriptures tell us we have to put these things behind us if we are to truly follow Him.

Days 8 & 9 revisited

Day 9 (+8) Posted May 6, 2008

I'm still pretty amazed that I'm doing this. I wonder when the reality will set in. The routine is still coming around, much easier, obviously on the days I'm at home. I'm thinking of doing the master cleanse on the days I can't be home to make the juice, but I know that means we don't get the greens in, so I'm not sure how to deal with that. I really don't like the idea of drinking old juice. It's been drilled into me for years and years how the enzymes deteriorate quickly once the flesh is compromised. I made 4 quarts the other day that I used for the rest of the day, and they tasted fine, but it was still in the back of my mind that they weren't as nutritious. Anyway, I have 80 some days to figure it out, right, David? Good thing!

I feel well. I had some sinus stuff going on the other day and today which surprised me. I used to have horrible sinus problems in my less nutritious days, but once I alleviated dairy and meat, I haven't had to deal with that. I haven't had a stuffy nose in years and years. So I was surprised when I couldn't stop sneezing and my nose kept running Sunday and today. It was definately cleansing as there was not yucky flu or cold-like symptoms to accompany them. Both sessions were about 3 hours long. I thought of hayfever, but I was in the city the first time, and at home in the country today, completely different allergens.

I am very pleased that my candida symptoms are non-existent finally. I have had problems with this sporadically over the years, but when I went raw last October, this became a very serious outbreak in December. I came to learn in January that it was due to the high fat content of my diet. I was eating a lot of salads, but had to have my dressings and avocados and nuts. Since the vegetables in the salads were so non-caloric, it really raised my fat percent over the top. One of the reason I decided to juice feast was because I felt the only way I could get over the fat addiction was through juice fasting (feasting). And, I am happy to say, that seems to be the case, finally. That has been one memorable struggle.

I lost 8 1/2 pounds my first week. I'm not quite sure what to make of that. It is very hard to lose fat, so I have to think it has to do with water retention, etc. I wish I knew more about the way fat unassembles itself in the body. I tried to google it, but all the explanations were over my head. if anyone knows that's reading, please let me know a good source.

Speaking of giving up the fat addiction, I was thinking about giving up those last little bits of comfort eating which can no longer be employed when one is juice fasting/feasting. I even did a blog entry on my other blog page on "Raw Emotions". Then when I listened to David and Katrina's Day 9 video, Angela Stokes was on there telling of a book she had written by that name. I wrote my blog about it after my husband and I had had a particularly tense day, and I realized we both really didn't know to deal with the naked emotions when we don't have our favorite tool for burying our feelings. We both have been not using our old junk food items, so it has been a struggle that came to a head that day. I think when we both realized that our pardigm is shifting, it was a little easier to deal with it, and try to see it coming. I began my juice feast a couple of days after that, so it has been on my mind a lot especially when I have junk food cravings. I won't say it is junk food craving as much as it comfort food cravings. I think I can honestly say now that my body wants those foods more to bury the emotional swings than it does to satisfy any physical need. So there you have it. I really had never known I was an emotional eater. I thought I just loved high fat foods.

I'm still working on a solution to that. I noticed at an AA meeting once several years ago that all the drunks had several other addictive substances they were using (coffee and tobacco) to help them get over the alcohol. I wonder how we become healthy enough emotionally not to need anything. I think this juice feast will help me discover the answer to that.

I want to say how much I enjoy the videos that David and Katrina make for each day. I don't really know why. Not too much new information. Maybe it just feels like I know there is a lifeline there.

Raw Emotion

Before I get to my topic, I have to log why I am writing at 8:30 in the morning. I usually write in the evening after I have lived a day that needs to be recorded. But this time I lived some things during the night that I don't want to forget.

I was hoping to begin the recording of a new Spanish video yesterday, but my assistant was out of pocket so that will be put off until a more convenient time. I guess it was on my mind because all night I dreamed about utube postings I could put into the curriculum we already have. Lots of things are happening right now. I can hardly keep it all straight in my mind.

Thursday I wrote a curriculum for The Four Agreements. I've given it to Darius, Dorian, and Roger to proof for me to see if it is workable. Roger was pretty excited about it. I haven't heard from the others yet. I'm not even sure which course code I will give it yet.

I bought a copy of the book from Overstock.com, but of course, it hasn't arrived yet. I bought the audio CD at Borders yesterday, so I am hoping to be able to give the students an audio version of it. I think that might help them get through it better. Today's students do not like to read anything. I am hoping a curriculum like this can change their lives for good. I am wanting to be more proactive in making a difference with the students we are fortunate enough to be given. Lately I have been feeling it is time to break out a little.

I also ordered an audio of the 7 Habits for Teens by Sean Covey, the guru of 7 Habits Steven R's son. One of my students did it by accident, and it occurred to me that it might be more productive for them to do that than the adult version (I know, duh). Anyway, I've still got to get a copy of the book so we can write up the blue book for it. I don't know how closely it will model the adult portion.

I'm listening to John Mayer's Gravity; seemingly appropriate. "Gravity, stay the heck away from me...Keep me where the light is..." I don't want to be tied down to conventions right now. I am blinded by how much light there is... Well, back to my all night dream fest.

I was thinking that I could do u-tube postings for some of the areas with which the students have trouble. Several of these came to me in my dream like several English grammar concepts, some science (in fact, it just occurred to me this would be a good way to do some labs), some history shorts, and of course math concepts. Because our curriculums are already printed up, we could correct new printings of course, but just put printed up stickers with URL's of the availability of new material in the old books. (That even came to me in the dream...it was very thorough).

Because I do not want to bother Darius, my cam corder owner, each time I make up one of these, I have ordered web cams (for another purpose - my blog) which would be perfect for this. We would probably need the cam corder for the science labs, but for the explaining type shorts, the webcam would work ok I think.

I ordered 3 web cams so that Darius and Dorian would have one too. I am hoping to get everyone into the act, I guess. Usually the enthusiasm is one that my family members do not share, so we will see if I hit the jackpot with this one. There is a program called http://www.scype.com/ that enables anyone who has the program to communicate as if on a telephone conversation via mics I assume. If you have webcams you can communicate via pictures as well. That is why I got 3 of them so we could try it out. This would be an additional way to help students out. If they downloaded the program, even if they didn't have a webcam, they could watch me work a problem out for them or whatever.

Anyway, the point being, there are a lot of exciting things happening. Nuff said.

Now onto the important business of the day: Raw emotion.

I notice this more as I observe Roger although it of course applies to me as well. It is just easier for me to see in Roger. After we had had a particularly good raw day without any of our addictive substances, Roger was getting a little edgy. He wanted some "bad" food, but was holding back, but he was very irritable. Since we have been doing the raw diet, I have been noticing how obnoxious he has been, and that night was the first time I put the two together. That whole concept was kind of bothering me: after all, the whole point of this is to become better, not worse. Self improvement is the whole point, physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. So what's the deal?

I think the addiction concept is the whole point. I was thinking of what I know about addiction both personally and from observation. We even see a lot of it in the media. It is normal for addicts to have a rough time coming off their drug of choice. That is the whole point of the drug in fact: to smother emotions and uncomfortable thoughts. "My mom hates me therefore if I use I will not have to deal with this emotion." Without the drug, one if forced to deal with the emotion. One of the most interesting observations I made when attending some AA meetings was that the alcoholics all drank tons of coffee (caffeine) and the rooms were filled with smoke (indicating a use of nicotine). They were substituting the effects of alcohol for other drugs that were not as effective, but they helped a little.

I remembered when my father died. He had had a lifetime of addiction. He had only been free of the addictive substances when he became comotose due to how far his illness had destroyed him. As I sat with him the last 12 hours of his life, I became aware through the holy spirit that he was reliving all the emotions he had smothered with the addictive substances. He was required to experience them before he could pass on. This is one of the requirements of this life: we are required to live it! If we bypass this step temporarily, we must make an accounting before we can progress. At the time I did not undertand all of this, but over the years since he has passed away, the memory of it is just as clear as the day I was there, and the lesson I was learning has been more and more impressed into my mind. It came back to me very clearly yesterday as I was again pondering the effects of the raw diet on our emotions.

Roger and I had a particularly emotional day on Thursday, one which resolved (if that is the right word) with a huge fight where we were not speaking for several hours. Finally yesterday we were able to talk through it. I shared with him my "raw emotion" theory: all of our lives we have been stuffing our emotions with food (both our particular drug of choice - believe me, I have tried them all, and this one works best for me as I like to play it safe hahahaha). (Actually, caffeine works best for me as I can use that and not have the weight gain side effect, but I've already shared my experience about that with you.)

50+ years is a long time to use. Most drug addicts don't have that kind of history. It is going to take a while to break through this. We can both trace times into our childhood when our drug of choice served us very well helping us avoid dealing with emotional issues.

It has been found that the reason cooked food is so addicting is that it contains opiates. In fact, mother's milk even has this substance which guarantees the infant's survival as he/she requires more of it. You can watch a baby nursing and witness his/her instant relaxation as the opiates start flowing through his/her little body. They become almost comotose and fall asleep sometimes before the meal is finished. This certainly explains why weaning is such a difficult process.

In the natural world, an infant receives this during the time when the nutritional needs are greater than effect of the opiate, and as he/she is weaned, it is expected that the child will get it's nutritional needs from the natural plants and trees growing around him/her. Of course, they will have to cut off their dependence on the opiate, and anyone who has weaned a child will testify that this is not an easy thing. Sometimes in our world, this is not as obvious, because children are given cow's milk and breads which keep the opiate in their system. They are never given the opportunity to break free of the addiction. More information about this can be found in 12 Steps to Raw Food.

So where does that leave us highly addicted individuals who are trying to break free?

(An aside based on a song I am listening to: Imagine there's no heaven. Easy if you try. No hell below us. Above us only sky. Imagine all the people living for today. Imagine there's no country. It isn't hard to do. Nothing to kill or die for. And no religion too. Imagine all the people living for life in peace. You may say I'm a dreamer. but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us and the world will live as one. Imagine all possessions. I wonder if you can. No need for greed or hunger, a brotherhood of man. Imagine all the people sharing all the world. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one; I hope someday you'll join us and the world will live as one. You know, John Lennon was thought to be a communist after this song came out, but it is really the United Order more than it is communism. When we are living on the earth during the millenium there will be no heaven above us or hell below us as we will be living with Christ. That will be our heaven. If we live our lives right now, our heaven is here. He wasn't as far off as all his enemies thought him to be.)

Isn't that why we fall into the addictive practices? Everyone is vying for that upper ground. We all have to compete for our position whether it is in our family, our school, our work... the drugs help us cope. If the competitive element is removed, we at least, don't have to deal with that part of it.

You can see I don't have this all figured out yet, and I don't expect I will for a very long time. However, I know for now that this is a difficult process. I think the realization of what is going on makes it easier to deal with. I have broken through addiction before, and I know I can again. One of the points Roger made yesterday as we discussed it is that normally we have to have something with which to replace the addiction much like the AA participants do. When I gave up the caffeine, I still had the food to fall back on. Oftentimes I have witnessed weight watchers get into the diet coke syndrome when they couldn't have their food. What happens when there isn't anymore? A lot of raw fooders start exercising heavily. I believe this is because the endorphins produced help them get through the addiction.

Is there ever a point when we can give all the addictions up? When we exercise normally, not to excess, through the work we do in the course of the day (producing some of our own food, etc.)? I can't answer that, but my experience with my father tells me that we are expected to, now or later. This is part of the human experience. It is a requirement. That is where I am setting my sights. In the mean time, I am going to be gritting my teeth a little.

I have decided to do an extended juice fast. (http://www.juicefeasting.com/ and http://www.globaljuicefeast.com/ ) to help me get through this. Cold turkey (pardon the expression).

I believe the extended fast (or feast as they prefer to call it) will help me clear all the addictive substances out of my body so that I can begin anew. It is a very scary thing, but I am very brave hahahahaha. I'll keep you posted.