Ants

I put my blogspot on my homepage so I would remember to update it more often. Come to find out it is not the forgetting it that keeps me from posting - it is not having the time to put into it what I want. I have loads of pictures I want to upload right now, and because I don't have time, I put off updating. Seems kind of stupid in a way. The object is not necessarily to entertain anyone - the object is to keep a record of what is going on. Two week entries are not going to cut it.

Since my last entry a lot has happened. Some very negative things are in our lives right now, and we are having a hard time dealing with them on a superficial level, but not on an internal level; it is kind of weird.

Have you ever watched ants when you disrupt their hill? At first they scurry around like crazy doing whatever it is their job to do, but the next thing you know, they are doing what they usually do. Things get back to normal really quickly. They don't spend any time agonizing over the crisis.

I feel like an ant. I have to keep putting out fires. Some just keep burning, and don't seem extinguishable. Others can be resolved, and we just keep working until the next crisis. Like the ants, I don't seem to have the ability to keep the problems at bay. I do not seem able to "see it coming". Instead, I just sit there waiting for the next moron who wants to come along and smash my hill.

The economy is striking hard right now, and we are really trying to not spend our pennies. Coincidently, we have been on a rampage to clean up our "hill" and in so doing have found a lot of stuff we are selling and/or giving away. It feels good for the "hill" to not be so cluttered. Should the heel-grinding get really bad, we can more easily move a small amount of personal belongings.

(Can you tell I've been watching ants this afternoon. I just planted arugula, lettuce, and celery; a group of ants had the nerve to build a hill in an area I had been planning to plant in. No, I didn't smash their hill, but I did throw a little dirt on it as I planted my stuff next to it. Maybe we can live together cooperatively? In my experience, the odds of that are negligible, but I am forever the optomist.)

Because of the number of students who have elected not to pay tuition at Deseret Academy, we have been forced to reduce our staff to just Roger and me. We had hoped at one time that it would provide at least a part-time income for all of our children, but it doesn't appear possible right now. As we have tried to keep this "dream" alive, we have gone into debt. We were free and clear of all debt but a school loan just a couple of years ago, but now we find ourselves in pretty deep. I should have done this months ago when I was first prompted, but now I will have to suffer the consequences of not listening. Those consequences come in more ways than just financially because at least one of my children is very angry at us for doing this. I feel very lonely right now.

Of course, with just Roger and I taking on all of the responsibilities for our school, there is added work. There are times when I ask myself if it is worth it. I still don't know the answer.

Another challenge we are having is with my mentally challenged brother-in-law. He has been living in his mother's condiminium since her death 7 years ago. We have been getting phone calls and e-mails from the condo managers saying that he can no longer live there due to behavior problems he has been having. When we talk to Roger's dad and his brother, they assure us all is well. It has been very confusing. We finally arranged a trip there last weekend to see if we could clear up some things.

What a shock we had! The apartment is in horrible condition and is unlivable at present. It will probably cost us $20,000 to make the necessary repairs. Even then we may not be able to sell it because there is such a depressed market right now. We had to move Randy into an assisted living facility in Ft. Lauderdale, but he has left twice trying to return to the apartment. His case worker called to tell me they are moving him to another facility in the hopes he will be happier.

A big problem is that the neighbors are telling the authorities that we are stealing everything from Randy including his non-existent trust fund and "his" apartment. The APS case worker has told me they have lodged an abuse complaint against us, and we will be investigated. Isn't that lovely?

The odd thing about that is that Randy spent every cent his mother left him (which was about $17,000, we think) within a month after she passed away. She had planned on it taking care of him for a long time. Plus he took everything out of the safety deposit box which contained things he and Roger were supposed to share (not sell, mind you) and pawned them. We have no idea where the money went as he would not tell us. We assume he was conned as he has nothing to show at his home for it.

The apartment he has been living in is to be shared with his brother, Roger. Instead of being able to share in it, Roger has had to foot all of the bills for it, including a $300+ maintenance fee and untold "assessments". He also pays the light bill, and anything else that comes up. Some of these maintenance fees never made it to the bank apparently as the condominium association is also suing us for 1 1/2 years worth of unpaid fees. We supplied the attorney with our bank statements and cancelled checks, so that should not be a problem. They have actually put the condominium into foreclosure, I think. We may end up having to live in it ourselves before it is all over.

Like the ants, I feel completely powerless over the mightier powers that be. I feel oblivious to their power except for when they are stepping on me and trying to destroy what peace I try to make for myself. I just want to live simply and quietly, trying to take care of what responsibilities I percieve to be mine. How naive I am thinking I can just plop down in this particular garden bed!