Happy Birthday Baby Boy

Whenever one of my children's birthdays roll around, it is hard for me to think about anything except their birth and the consequent days, weeks, months, and years. It is amazing the things that come to mind. Often it is things I haven't remembered for years.

Today is Orion's (my youngest son's) 26th birthday. It really seems too incredible that he could be that age and that I could be his mother. I became pregnant with him when Darius was only 9 months old. I did not know I was pregnant for awhile; I just thought I had some major issues with the flu. I really didn't think I would get pregnant that easily while I was still nursing Darius. Finally, about 4 months into it, I decided to ask the doctor if it could be another baby. Obviously, it was, and we were off to the races again.

I decided to keep nursing Darius throughout his pregnancy against the advice of most people. I felt it was too early to wean Darius as I had hoped to nurse him a couple of years. So we did the best we could. Orion was born in a birthing center with a midwife who was under the supervision of Dr. Lewis. He was well-known for his work with people who wanted to have more natural childbirths.

My other two babies had been born without too many complications, but this one presented a few more trials. First he presented face first which means that, well, let's just say it was a lot more difficult. I remember the midwife almost had a stroke when she saw that he was coming out that way. She yelled, "Why didn't you tell me it was hurting that much?" I just knew it was hurting; it didn't occur to me that there might be a reason. Anyway, he was born under a little stress because of that, and they were concerned because he didn't get his color right away. I guess it could have gone another way, but Orion was intended to live out his life. As easy as it would have been for him to slip back through the veil, he was determined to stick it out apparently.

Not only was he a little touch and go for a while, so was I. I started hemoraging (I don't know how to spell that, and I'm too lazy to look it up but not too lazy to type this explanation...) and passed out.

Somehow we survived all of that. Orion weighed in at 9 lb. 9 oz, and he was 23 inches tall. No wonder I felt like I was going to explode! I am way too short wasted for all these tall babies! We went home as soon as we were allowed to, and started enjoying the ride.

Orion was a good baby except that he wanted to eat every hour on the hour. He and Darius got along very well; Darius was at his birth, and I've wondered if they bonded then. At the time, Darius didn't seem all that impressed with this new little creature, but as the years went by, they were very close. As a matter of fact, I credit Orion with Darius' ability to ever read. He showed no interest in it until Orion started reading. Thank goodness for Orion, right?


One of the things I remembered this week that I hadn't thought about for awhile is how we used to read the Book of Mormon mastery scriptures everyday. Dorian was going to seminary, I think, so I was aware of the mastery scriptures, and I thought it would be good for the little boys to memorize them as Dorian was learning them. The one that I thought of this week was Moroni 10:4 - 5 where we are promised we can know the truth of all things by the power of the Holy Ghost. Orion loved He-man, a cartoon popular at the time. One of the things He-man would always say was "By the power of grayskull" and then he would perform some tremendous feat. The boys compared He-man and the power of grayskull to the power the Holy Ghost had to tell them things. It was quite comical, but it worked. They seemed to understand the concept.

Another thing I thought of this week was the time Orion was bitten by a dog while we were delivering welfare stuff to a family in our ward. I had the assignment while the RS president was out of town. We had been to this family's house many times, and the dogs seemed to know us, but there was something different this time. Orion was on the back of the truck wearing his red sweatpants. Maybe it was the red that got the dog fired up like they do the bulls with the bull fighters. Anyway, it came up behind the truck as we were pulling in, and took a bite out of him. I think he had on his usual two pairs of sweats (he got cold very easily), so the dog didn't do any damage, but it sure shook up the both of us. Again, quite comical in retrospect!

Orion's nickname was "possum". He looked like a marsupial baby as he was always connected to me in some way. It never really bothered me. He slept with us for a number of years until he was almost 4, and I can still remember how he felt snuggled into the small of my back. (Before you get all high and mighty and judge me for having my kids with me in our bed, please read the book Family Bed. I still think it is a wonderful way to rear children. I do not regret it for a moment.)

Even after the baby and toddler years, we were always close. While my other children lived their own lives, he always was a part of mine for some reason. It really seemed improbable that he would ever separate himself from us. He told us many times that if he ever did move out, he was going to live next door. We didn't hold out much hope of that, but we thought he would always be in our lives. Needless to say,it hasn't worked out that way, and I'm not sure how we're supposed to feel about that.

I understand how men are supposed to be united with their wife. I understand about apron strings being cut. I tried to rear all my children to be independent with varying degrees of success. I guess I didn't expect to be cut off completely from contact with them. Maybe that is the way it is supposed to be, but I don't think so. That is certainly not the pattern that is seen in the scriptures. I guess the hardest part is not understanding why there is such a discrepancy. If we had not been close in his earlier years, it would be easier to comprehend.

So, my memories this week of our wonderful times together have been muddled with my sorrow over a lost friend. Of all my children, he was the one that understood my trials and my troubles. He comforted me while the others didn't even know there were challenges. He talked through problems and difficulties. When he left, I lost my closest ally, and it has been most difficult.

This is not to say that Roger, my husband, is not my best friend. He is. But most women have a confidant besides their husband, and Orion was mine. He understood how I felt more than even Roger did even though he (Orion) was a child. I think a lot of that was because the gospel always came easier to him than it did anyone else I ever knew so that he had a more mature outlook on the things about which we talked. I have always worked through my problems from a gospel angle, so Orion's perspective matched this better than most people's.

I guess in looking back, maybe I should never have gotten that comfortable with him. Maybe I should have tried to keep my distance knowing that he would grow up and move away from us emotionally. I guess it is easy to see these things in hindsight.

Another memory we had of him this week was the time we were in a car accident when he was on his way to a performance for Showtime to which I didn't want him to go. He spent many months recuperating from that, and he missed a lot of activities. It happened on the day he graduated from high school. Both of us almost missed that one!

One summer prior to this, I broke my ankle. He stayed home from summer camp to stay with me so that Roger could work. The other boys, of course, went to their activities. That was a tremendous sacrifice for him, and I've always been grateful to him. (In contrast, one time when I broke my ankle I asked Darius to come drive me home as I couldn't drive right after the accident, and he said he couldn't because he was going to his friend's house! ARRRGH.) It's odd isn't it? Now Darius is the attentive one.


I look back over our years with Orion with nothing but good memories. He and Darius both provided us with a glimpse of heaven. We are so grateful we were able to have more children after our "stupid years". I hope he has a wonderful 27th year (starting tomorrow) and that he'll have at least a hundred more. He is so blessed to be the father of a wonderful baby girl this year, so he will always remember this year as a special one. Happy Birthday, Orion!

Gold Nuggets

Darius told us about one of his professors whose wife contracted brain cancer. Sadly, she passed away this week. The professor had contacted Darius to ask him about his treatments but evidently disregarded what Darius was doing. I was telling Roger about it today, and he asked, "I wonder how we can get people to listen." To me it is just like the gospel: people hear about it and either receive a witness that it's true, or they disregard it as quirky, weird, irresponsible, unChristian, etc. The only way anyone will ever know if the gospel is true or not is if they receive a witness of it from the Holy Ghost. Roger asked me how I knew to start eating this way, so I shared that story with him. I would never in a million years have done this if the Holy Ghost had not told me. I never even heard of such a thing as a raw vegan. One time many years ago I read an article in a magazine about a man who only ate raw fruits and vegetables. I sighed and said, "That might be nice, but I could never do that. It's just too hard." For all I knew there was only one man on the earth living like that, so it certainly would not have been a choice I would have made without promptings. I believe if the Holy Ghost would tell me to do such a thing, He would tell everyone anything it is that they need to do whether it be to join the Church of Jesus Christ or live a healthier lifestyle. (And everything in between!) It all goes back to how much our Father in Heaven loves us and wants us to have joy and happiness while we sojourn here on earth. It is us that removes ourselves from His presence through our running off into other more enticing (or so they seem) endeavors.

As I was relating my story to Roger, another thought occurred to me. When the Holy Ghost suggested we give "mild foods" to Darius (those were His exact words), I didn't know what that meant. I had to ponder it, and then I asked if by mild He meant foods for which an extreme amount of digestion wouldn't be needed, and the answer was yes. So I talked to Alicia, and she agreed to start giving him "mild foods". We didn't know what we were doing exactly, but we were confident that the Spirit would continue guiding us (and boy did He!). We bought a juicer and started making him raw juices a couple of times a day. We knew from previous experiences (and doesn't He always prepare us so that we will have what we need at the right time?) that raw juices require almost no digestion, so they can begin to do what vegetables (called herbs in the scriptures) are supposed to do (heal) almost immediately as they begin to be absorbed into the blood stream. Quickly he gained strength, so we knew we were on the right track. As we started researching on the internet, we found more and more information until we arrived at where we are at today. I have no doubt that more will be unfolded all the time. My point in mentioning this is that the Holy Ghost doesn't give you the whole drawn out scenario. He gave me a very tightly compressed nugget: "mild foods". As I began decompressing the nugget, the information within it grew and grew and grew and grew. I figure I've still only gotten about an eighth of inch into it after a year and a half. What wonderful treasures He has for us! I can hardly wait to get up each day and find out what new scrapings will reveal.

Too Many Venues

I have so many journals right now, I don't know which end is up. I have this blog, and truth be told, I'm not sure what its function is. Then there's my online journal where I keep an almost daily log of my life. I also started a scripture journal based on admonitions and inspiration received at a recent seminary training. There's also my regular 8 1/2 by 11 hard bound hard copy journal that is going unnoticed in the digital frenzy. And then there's the piles and piles of yellow and white steno pads where I write down notes and inspirations as they come to me with the intent to record them in the most pertinent venue at a later date. (That doesn't usually happen by the way.)

"So why so many venues?" one might ask. Good question... I've been thinking about that a lot lately. I can't find his entry now, but Darius posted about this as well, how one of these is a more private venue for posting personal stuff, and the blog is more of an editorial kind of posting on what's going on in our lives.

I even thought of taking up digital posting, but live journal, where I keep my personal stuff, only lets you post a line or two, so I tried posting reminders to myself of events during the day so that in the evening I could expand on them. This worked well while attending a weeklong class in West Palm, but I have forgotten to do it since then. Life seems to be too hectic to write about it.

I think journaling is a very important part of stress reduction. I believe we could write through a lot of the things bugging us if we would consistenly remember to write. I am amazed at what does come out when I don't think I have anything to write about. It goes back to the old Field of Dreams analogy: if you write it, the thoughts will come.

Our lives are so full of stress. Everyone on the planet is plagued with it. Heavenly Father wouldn't put us here with all of this without helping us find a way to deal with it. Maybe journaling is the solution along with living the gospel to begin with so that our lives are not as complicated. I think we are supposed to spend time each day in prayer in meditation as well, and I know exercise helps too. I guess we have all the tools we need, we just have to apply them.

Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches

I was tired last night, so I went to bed a little earlier than usual. The problem with that is that I can never sleep through the night and wake up really early. Being too lazy to get up, I waste the time laying there thinking about stuff. So this morning it came into my head to do a "living the lifestyle" class for our next raw food group. (We started having a little class for some people who have been asking what we do. It started two weeks ago. We're now working on class #3.) I had planned on doing something else, so it was interesting that I was prompted to do this, but it makes sense, and it will certainly be helpful to the new folks who are coming. Of course, a lifestyle class involves the foods that serve as lifesavers, so we can never get away from the food. One of the themes that ran through the Glaser Farms class was that Tracy wanted to give us recipes or ideas for things that would keep us away from foods that detour us from our goals to eat healthy. I had never thought of that in that way although, of course, I had employed some of the strategies in a survival kind of context. To hear her put it that way changed the perspective a little bit.

Example: yesterday I heard Wyatt going to the refrigerator looking for food about every 1/2 hour. I realized this was because he was not so much hungry as wanting something that was not there. I remembered what Tracy had said, so I looked at my notes from Glaser Farms and went out to make him Tracy's version of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Of course it is not a sandwich at all (which he quickly pointed out), but he enjoyed it none the less, and I think it satisfied some of the restlessness in his stomach. He was still scavenging a half hour later, but he went for another apple instead of looking longingly in the fridge for something that wouldn't have been good for him.

The desire for previously enjoyed foods is very real until we actually have some of them and realize we have been duped into wanting something that is not good for us. The memory of it is much more enjoyable than the actual substance. That is the nature of addictive substances in general. On the other hand, living foods are much more enjoyable than their memory. That is an odd contrast between good and evil if one wants to look at it in a spiritual way. We know that the harmful foods detract from our spirituality (or do we really know that?), but we want them anyway. Once taken, sorrow and remorse set in as we feel bad physically and emotionally knowing we have failed again. Living foods do the opposite: we feel great physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I think that when we start talking about the spiritual and emotion aspects of food, that is where we lose a lot of people. They think we have gone off the deep end.

I am starting to realize that choosing how much of my food to eat in its raw, living foods state is more than a number. I want to take as much of the best food I can into my body (within the realm of what it needs) while avoiding as much of the foods that detract from my health as possible. For example, when a recipe calls for maple syrup, am I going to avoid it because it is cooked, or am I going to think about whether it serves as a vehicle for a more nutritious food that I might not otherwise eat, or is it just an empty excuse for a food that won't do me any good. Conscious eating is very difficult for those of us who have been doing it unconsciously for so long. It requires a lot of discipline to just ask the necessary questions, no less to stop the insanity of putting harmful foods in our bodies.

Of course, the living foods lifestyle is more than food, thankfully. Because we spend so much time eating each day, and the rest of our day is divided up between so many other kinds of actiivities, we might tend to think about it more than we should. I think that is temporary until we can do the conscious things more unconsciously. Until then, it is what it is.

Oblivion

I haven't been blogging lately as I decided to keep an online journal. I have been keeping up with that daily, but I consider that more of a personal record of my life. I have been all too aware of how public a blog is as I read many blogs each day. So I have decided to separate the public from the private.

That being said, what is the function of a blog then? I think it is like a letter to the editor page, a way for us to express our opinion. People are welcome to read it if they like, and those with whom it resonates will want to keep up with it. There are so many kindred spirits blogging, it is quite overwhelming to read them all. I kind of save them for when I have the time except for the more urgent ones like the ones my kids write.

I was excited to see that Jac and Orion were going to write a blog, but they have since decided to make it by invitation only, and of course, I was not invited even though I requested it. It is humiliating enough to have to beg, but then to be ignored is even more degrading. I guess if the Lord is trying to humble me, He isn't going to have to work too much harder at it. I think I'm there.

There are websites that teach us how to blog more effectively; who has time to read them when all we do is read blogs all day? And write them, of course...

So what is the function of my blog? Where am I trying to go with it? I am trying to look into the future to see where it can do the most good. We have been asked a lot lately about our successful weight loss. I guess people have kinda noticed since it is such a large amount, and we are keeping it off this time (Each of us has lost more than 100 pounds).

The living foods lifestyle has been a huge development in my life; it has been life-changing in many ways, good and bad.

Bad in that it is socially not acceptable to most of the people with whom we have associations. As one of my friends put it, "You are just so much of an extremist." It is labor intensive, but I have always prepared foods from scratch, so I wouldn't say this is any worse than that. For those used to buying prepared foods, this would be a hard adjustment.

When I learned about the living foods lifestyle in 1983, I discontinued it due to family pressures even though I was getting extreme benefits from it. When I say family pressures, that is a little unfair because it is really my reaction to those pressures which caused me to give it up. Dealing with my emotions is a very real aspect of this lifestyle because I no longer have my crutches to sustain me through difficult emotional crisis.

Would you say having to deal with emotions is a negative? On the surface it might seem to be, just as an drug addict or alcoholic would have to learn to cope. Certainly it is difficult, but I think most people who get through it are grateful to not have to be bound down like that. I don't believe we are aware of how we are substance abusing until the substance is taken away from us. When we find ourselves manipulating to try to get the substance, the realization comes that we just might have a problem.

As I tell people about the wonderful experiences we are having, I try to warn them about what they are about to encounter. But what a lovely road of discovery it is. I love the honesty it has taught me. I find myself acknowledging things to myself I never would have before, and with this comes the help from the Holy Ghost that I need to get through it. I am getting answers to prayers I never knew I had because I could never reach that level of honesty with myself. I am dealing with painful life situations in a different manner: I am allowing myself to be sad. Sadness is pain, and as an addict, I avoided pain at all costs. What a price I paid!

I have always believed that the morbidly obese have a few screws loose. It just doesn't make sense that a human being would be able to do that to themselves. Now I understand it is simply my coping mechanism. (I say simply, but there is very little simple about it.) As I see people who are morbidly obese, I know they are hurting, but they don't realize how much as they are trying to numb the pain. It's an aspirin for the headache thing: whatever is causing the headache is still there, but we don't feel it as the analgesic effect of the aspirin takes over. When the headache comes back, we take more aspirin.

I have learned that pain, any kind of pain, is not as bad as my mind tells me it is going to be. My brain actually has trained me to avoid it telling me it's going to hurt, and I don't want that! Actually, the pain is bad, but I find myself amazingly able to cope with it. I've been thinking about Joseph Smith had to have leg surgery and refused to drink the whisky offered to him by his physician. I've often wondered how he could stand to have them cut into his leg without any anesthesia. Now I think I understand that we can endure anything we have to. I remember when I was in labor with my babies, one of the ways I dealt with it (I was determined not to have any pain medication) was that I just let the pain ride over me. It worked then, but it never occurred to me to apply that same principle to other kinds of pain, especially emotional pain.

Actually, before beginning the living foods lifestyle, I don't think I ever dealt with very much emotional pain. I did not know how it would feel; I only knew I needed to avoid it. I can remember as a child knowing I did not want to feel it. So it has been an interesting journey for me as I learn to cope with real feelings that I should have learned how to deal with many years ago. I am actually enjoying this growing up phase of my life.

Weight loss is a great thing, and I am really grateful for it. But I am even more grateful for the fact that I can now meet the Master when my life is over more aware of conscious decisions I have made. I never want to go back to oblivion. When the scrolls of my life are laid open before me, I don't want any surprises!

Attitude of Gratitude

Wasn't able to post a blog yesterday about Thanksgiving as it was a bittersweet day for me. It was the first Thanksgiving since our sons went on missions that we did not spend time together. Last year was a little off as well and signaled the beginning of the end, but I did not see it then.

I could not write about my feelings then, but this morning in my LDS gems there was a great quote from Elder Eyring that put it all in perspective:

“I am at a stage in my life when, because of great distances, I cannot come to know well grandchildren and, in time, great-grandchildren. There are also people who have never had the opportunity for marriage and parenthood who have the same yearning as I do to somehow be close to family. Because of the restoration of the knowledge of eternal families, we are more hopeful and more kindly in all our family relations. The greatest joys in this life center in families, as they will in the worlds to come. I am so grateful for the assurance I have that if we are faithful, the same sociality which we enjoy here in this life will be forever with us in the world to come, in eternal glory (see D&C 130:2).”

Henry B. Eyring, “The True and Living Church,” Ensign, May 2008, 22

Although his inability to see his extended family is due to geographical distances and mine is an emotional void, the yearnings are the same. An emotional gap is difficult because all communication is cut off. While our sons were on missions, we greatly enjoyed our biyearly phone calls and weekly (?) letters. We no longer enjoy that luxury. We still are hopeful as we know that in the next life all will become clear. There will not be the misunderstandings that exist in this life nor the mistrust. If I am faithful, all that the Father has will be mine. I don't really want His, I only long for mine, or what I perceive to be mine.

I really don't want to wallow in this, but it is a source of great pain. I suppose it is a good thing to at least address it especially in a journal kind of way. I think that pain is something we are supposed to experience however unpleasant it might be as it adds to our experience we are supposed to gain here on the earth. How can we expect to inherit eternal life if we have not felt the rejection of those we love? Jesus Christ certainly has been reviled by those He loved; should we expect to get through this life without this? Apparently not.

That being said, I cannot help but feel extremely grateful for what I have which includes wonderful memories with those I can no longer have contact. I have been a most blessed mother in Zion. I have 3 wonderful sons, and they have wonderful wives. What children have been born have been incredible, each in their own unique way. My husband is an incredible man who keeps his talents and spirituality well hidden from the world.

In saying I am thankful for the wives, I have to add the thought that I have been feeling grateful for Bonnie lately even though she and Dorian are getting a divorce. I went through a time when I was not so grateful, but I realize now that was foolish. She and Dorian produced 2 wonderful children that would not be in our family if they had not been together. While a divorced situation is not what we would have chosen for them, this world has a way of beating young couples up. Unfortunately, they have definately been a victim of this. As we are now given the opportunity to share our life with Wyatt, their son, we can only hope to stop the carnage, or at least alleviate it. I'm sure Darius and Alicia feel the same way about Angelina. I am grateful she is there as it helps me share in her life in a way I had not have been able to before.

My love for little Brooklyn is limited to my visions from afar. Maybe that is how our Heavenly Father feels when we move far away from Him. He is not able to enjoy daily communication with those who do not wish to communicate with him. I'm sure He sneaks a glimpse whenever He can. Just as there are children that don't even know about Him, she will not know us. I wonder at His patience and understanding.

I really intended this post to be about Thanksgiving. We celebrated with my mother on Monday with an apple harvest celebration, but the actual day of TG we spent at Sombrero Beach in Marathon, Florida. It was a beautiful place and we saw an amazing number of sea creatures there. Sombrero Beach serves as an estuary for the Florida Bay which means it is a nursery for the wildlife that lives in the larger bodies of water. We saw a baby sea urchin that was only an 1/8 inch wide as well as baby sand dollars! There were thousands of baby hermit crabs, but the find of day was by Angelina: a giant hermit crab. He would have easily been a foot long if we had pulled him from his shell. He looked like a Maine lobster! I have never seen one so big. He scared her to death! I'm sure Darius will post some pictures on his blog. We also saw a colony of the conchs that are the original mollusk to inhabit the hermit crab shell before they are eaten by the urchins. It was a great environmental study although I'm sure the kids did not fully appreciate that aspect of our discoveries.

One cannot be in a place like this without thinking of how blessed we are to live on the earth. He has truly given us everything we need to be happy if we could only see that and appreciate it. I hope this Thanksgiving will help me to remember to always count my blessings and truly develop an attitude of gratitude.

Ode to Dorian

A tradition I started a number of years ago was recording a journal entry about each of my children on their birthdays. I haven't done it as consistently as I should ... in fact, that is the bane of my existence: consistency. I have not done anything as consistently as I should, except to be consistent with inconsistence, of course.

Anyway, I've been thinking for a week about Dorian's birthday. He is 35 today. He has had some rough times, and this year may fall into the memory banks as one of those, I think. I'm not really sure how he is perceiving it, but maybe someday we will be able to talk about it.

35 years ago, he was born in a hospital in Plantation, Florida. He was a month late, so he weighed 9 lbs. 3 oz. He was always a tall, skinny kid until we moved to our present home in rural Northeast Florida. Because he was used to the city life, he was a little intimidated by living in an area where there were no neighbors and no where to go, so he spent a lot of time at home. He had little interest in the outside activities the rest of us did with the landscaping and gardening and animal husbandry.

Dorian was a beautiful baby with the blondest hair you have ever seen in your life. He didn't have any brothers until he was 8 years old, and he always hated that he didn't have any siblings closer to his own age. I don't think he ever felt like he fit into his family. This is odd as I have always felt that way about my family. I am unlike any of my sisters. I thought I had been hatched or something. I think he feels more estranged now than ever, and this makes me very sad. I really love him so much, but I don't know how to relate to him in the situations he is in presently.

Loving our children is a very peculiar thing. We can love our children, and yet, this does not mean we always understand them. I have found that unconditional love is a gift given to me as a mother for which I am eternally grateful.

One thing a lot of people don't know about Dorian is how smart he is. As a 3 year, he was reading on a 3rd and 4th grade level. He has always been advanced, but this poses its own set of problems. We soon found that home school was the only way to keep up with his rapidly developing aptitude. He was horribly bored while in any classroom setting. We credit Dorian with teaching us about the wonders of home school. He taught us to value it as a superior form of education for anyone who wants the best for their children. When I first began homeschooling someone told me that no teacher could care about my child as much as his parents, and he taught us how true this statement is.

My greatest memory of his early childhood education was a teacher who told me she could not put Dorian in the time out room because all of the children wanted to be in there with him, and she could not maintain control of her classroom. Another memory I have was once when he was home with a little cold, he asked me if he could learn to write cursive...he was in kindergarten! That was when I realized he would never get to learn at his own pace in any other setting besides at home.

I don't think he ever really liked home schooling, unfortunately. I don't know if we would consider it a success with him or not as he always missed interaction with his peers. It was that same desire for socialization that got him in trouble while he was at school, so in retrospect, I still don't know what the best solution would have been. All I know is that we felt inspired to pull him out of government school, so I don't regret the decision. Since we were directed through revelation to do it the way we did, all I can suppose is that the alternative would not have been good for him. Maybe one day, all the unhappinesses he feels about his childhood will come into a different perspective. I hope so.

I love you, Dorian. I always have and always will. I'm sorry you see my actions as unloving. I can't change how you perceive us. All I can tell you is that I have spent most of my adult life trying to do things that would help you to be happy. May you find what will lead you to happiness and peace and joy.