Overwhelmed

I'm coming up against a little problem with keeping up a juice blog (day 3!) and this one since so much much of my life intertwines. I'm not sure how I'll resolve that. I wish I could just do one, but they really are different.

Roger went to his baseball road trip today, so I have been working since before he left. The good thing about him being home is that I stop work to spend time with him. When he's gone, I don't stop, and I don't eat or take the breaks that I should.

So I'm glad he's home (11:45 pm). My neck and back are killing me from typing so much today.

Becoming a Presence

We had a meeting with Dorian and Darius today to discuss some of the ideas we had for the direction Deseret Academy would move in for the future. Alicia was working but was angy that she had not been invited. I really had not thought she has much interest in Deseret Academy as her involvement up to this point has been restrained. I thought this more because she has so many other kettles boiling with her own business preparations not to mention taking care of Darius is a full time job. (I feel blessed that Roger does not need much taking care of. Maybe he does, but he has adapted to a life without it. I'll have to talk to him about that sometime.)

Anyway, among other things, one item on the agenda that really has stuck with me all day is an analogy that Dorian made to someone he follows who owns a sports team that has made them a big-ticket item based on giving them a bigger presence. That really is what we are trying to do with Deseret Academy! If they can get the presence, they can make a difference if for no other reason than higher credibility. People listen to those they sense are a presence.

I am going to be thinking about that a little more in the next little while and we'll see what we come up with. Dorian would like to see us contribute to the community by opening a skate park where the young people can participate in a wholesome activity. That seems very daunting. Of course, that's never stopped us before, so we'll see what comes of it.

I have been thinking a lot about sports for the high school crowd as our students don't have that option available to them after little league. I don't know how much interest there would be from our students, but fielding an American Legion team would also give us a little presence. He mentioned us wearing shirts that have our school name on them as well, so he had a lot of good ideas.

The other thing we are going to do is a beta internet school next year. Darius will be putting that together for us. Dorian suggested using a myspace page as the main way of communicating with existing students while the website we improve will communicate to new students.

Day 2 is going well, surprisingly enough.

Day One!

Well, I decided last night that today would be the day to start my 92 day juice feast. Yes, I realize you probably think I'm insane, and maybe I am. I am beginning to wonder myself. But I feel compelled to step it up to this next level. I had wanted to start on Saturday but didn't, so I prayed about it last night and this morning so that I would be able to start. I am surprisingly fearful (which is unusual for me). I don't exactly know why. I guess I know I will face a lot of resistance from others.

I am blogging my daily experiences on a globalfeast.com page. They give each participant in the global juice feast their own web page and the opportunity to blog their experience. They also have a webcast they do for each day of the juice feast. This is available on juicefeasting.com . These folks really put a lot of energy into getting the word out on this, and they are truly passionate about it.

I worked all day in the office catching up and am hoping to meet with Darius and Dorian and Steven tomorrow to get some things about our future Deseret Academy ventures figured out. Again, I have been prompted for a few months now to make some much needed changes.

Everytime I have had this prompting in the past, the changes were very amazing. Nothing I would have anticipated. I truly believe the Holy Ghost directs the work we do with Deseret Academy. There is no other explanation.

Raw Emotion

Before I get to my topic, I have to log why I am writing at 8:30 in the morning. I usually write in the evening after I have lived a day that needs to be recorded. But this time I lived some things during the night that I don't want to forget.

I was hoping to begin the recording of a new Spanish video yesterday, but my assistant was out of pocket so that will be put off until a more convenient time. I guess it was on my mind because all night I dreamed about utube postings I could put into the curriculum we already have. Lots of things are happening right now. I can hardly keep it all straight in my mind.

Thursday I wrote a curriculum for The Four Agreements. I've given it to Darius, Dorian, and Roger to proof for me to see if it is workable. Roger was pretty excited about it. I haven't heard from the others yet. I'm not even sure which course code I will give it yet.

I bought a copy of the book from Overstock.com, but of course, it hasn't arrived yet. I bought the audio CD at Borders yesterday, so I am hoping to be able to give the students an audio version of it. I think that might help them get through it better. Today's students do not like to read anything. I am hoping a curriculum like this can change their lives for good. I am wanting to be more proactive in making a difference with the students we are fortunate enough to be given. Lately I have been feeling it is time to break out a little.

I also ordered an audio of the 7 Habits for Teens by Sean Covey, the guru of 7 Habits Steven R's son. One of my students did it by accident, and it occurred to me that it might be more productive for them to do that than the adult version (I know, duh). Anyway, I've still got to get a copy of the book so we can write up the blue book for it. I don't know how closely it will model the adult portion.

I'm listening to John Mayer's Gravity; seemingly appropriate. "Gravity, stay the heck away from me...Keep me where the light is..." I don't want to be tied down to conventions right now. I am blinded by how much light there is... Well, back to my all night dream fest.

I was thinking that I could do u-tube postings for some of the areas with which the students have trouble. Several of these came to me in my dream like several English grammar concepts, some science (in fact, it just occurred to me this would be a good way to do some labs), some history shorts, and of course math concepts. Because our curriculums are already printed up, we could correct new printings of course, but just put printed up stickers with URL's of the availability of new material in the old books. (That even came to me in the dream...it was very thorough).

Because I do not want to bother Darius, my cam corder owner, each time I make up one of these, I have ordered web cams (for another purpose - my blog) which would be perfect for this. We would probably need the cam corder for the science labs, but for the explaining type shorts, the webcam would work ok I think.

I ordered 3 web cams so that Darius and Dorian would have one too. I am hoping to get everyone into the act, I guess. Usually the enthusiasm is one that my family members do not share, so we will see if I hit the jackpot with this one. There is a program called http://www.scype.com/ that enables anyone who has the program to communicate as if on a telephone conversation via mics I assume. If you have webcams you can communicate via pictures as well. That is why I got 3 of them so we could try it out. This would be an additional way to help students out. If they downloaded the program, even if they didn't have a webcam, they could watch me work a problem out for them or whatever.

Anyway, the point being, there are a lot of exciting things happening. Nuff said.

Now onto the important business of the day: Raw emotion.

I notice this more as I observe Roger although it of course applies to me as well. It is just easier for me to see in Roger. After we had had a particularly good raw day without any of our addictive substances, Roger was getting a little edgy. He wanted some "bad" food, but was holding back, but he was very irritable. Since we have been doing the raw diet, I have been noticing how obnoxious he has been, and that night was the first time I put the two together. That whole concept was kind of bothering me: after all, the whole point of this is to become better, not worse. Self improvement is the whole point, physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. So what's the deal?

I think the addiction concept is the whole point. I was thinking of what I know about addiction both personally and from observation. We even see a lot of it in the media. It is normal for addicts to have a rough time coming off their drug of choice. That is the whole point of the drug in fact: to smother emotions and uncomfortable thoughts. "My mom hates me therefore if I use I will not have to deal with this emotion." Without the drug, one if forced to deal with the emotion. One of the most interesting observations I made when attending some AA meetings was that the alcoholics all drank tons of coffee (caffeine) and the rooms were filled with smoke (indicating a use of nicotine). They were substituting the effects of alcohol for other drugs that were not as effective, but they helped a little.

I remembered when my father died. He had had a lifetime of addiction. He had only been free of the addictive substances when he became comotose due to how far his illness had destroyed him. As I sat with him the last 12 hours of his life, I became aware through the holy spirit that he was reliving all the emotions he had smothered with the addictive substances. He was required to experience them before he could pass on. This is one of the requirements of this life: we are required to live it! If we bypass this step temporarily, we must make an accounting before we can progress. At the time I did not undertand all of this, but over the years since he has passed away, the memory of it is just as clear as the day I was there, and the lesson I was learning has been more and more impressed into my mind. It came back to me very clearly yesterday as I was again pondering the effects of the raw diet on our emotions.

Roger and I had a particularly emotional day on Thursday, one which resolved (if that is the right word) with a huge fight where we were not speaking for several hours. Finally yesterday we were able to talk through it. I shared with him my "raw emotion" theory: all of our lives we have been stuffing our emotions with food (both our particular drug of choice - believe me, I have tried them all, and this one works best for me as I like to play it safe hahahaha). (Actually, caffeine works best for me as I can use that and not have the weight gain side effect, but I've already shared my experience about that with you.)

50+ years is a long time to use. Most drug addicts don't have that kind of history. It is going to take a while to break through this. We can both trace times into our childhood when our drug of choice served us very well helping us avoid dealing with emotional issues.

It has been found that the reason cooked food is so addicting is that it contains opiates. In fact, mother's milk even has this substance which guarantees the infant's survival as he/she requires more of it. You can watch a baby nursing and witness his/her instant relaxation as the opiates start flowing through his/her little body. They become almost comotose and fall asleep sometimes before the meal is finished. This certainly explains why weaning is such a difficult process.

In the natural world, an infant receives this during the time when the nutritional needs are greater than effect of the opiate, and as he/she is weaned, it is expected that the child will get it's nutritional needs from the natural plants and trees growing around him/her. Of course, they will have to cut off their dependence on the opiate, and anyone who has weaned a child will testify that this is not an easy thing. Sometimes in our world, this is not as obvious, because children are given cow's milk and breads which keep the opiate in their system. They are never given the opportunity to break free of the addiction. More information about this can be found in 12 Steps to Raw Food.

So where does that leave us highly addicted individuals who are trying to break free?

(An aside based on a song I am listening to: Imagine there's no heaven. Easy if you try. No hell below us. Above us only sky. Imagine all the people living for today. Imagine there's no country. It isn't hard to do. Nothing to kill or die for. And no religion too. Imagine all the people living for life in peace. You may say I'm a dreamer. but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us and the world will live as one. Imagine all possessions. I wonder if you can. No need for greed or hunger, a brotherhood of man. Imagine all the people sharing all the world. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one; I hope someday you'll join us and the world will live as one. You know, John Lennon was thought to be a communist after this song came out, but it is really the United Order more than it is communism. When we are living on the earth during the millenium there will be no heaven above us or hell below us as we will be living with Christ. That will be our heaven. If we live our lives right now, our heaven is here. He wasn't as far off as all his enemies thought him to be.)

Isn't that why we fall into the addictive practices? Everyone is vying for that upper ground. We all have to compete for our position whether it is in our family, our school, our work... the drugs help us cope. If the competitive element is removed, we at least, don't have to deal with that part of it.

You can see I don't have this all figured out yet, and I don't expect I will for a very long time. However, I know for now that this is a difficult process. I think the realization of what is going on makes it easier to deal with. I have broken through addiction before, and I know I can again. One of the points Roger made yesterday as we discussed it is that normally we have to have something with which to replace the addiction much like the AA participants do. When I gave up the caffeine, I still had the food to fall back on. Oftentimes I have witnessed weight watchers get into the diet coke syndrome when they couldn't have their food. What happens when there isn't anymore? A lot of raw fooders start exercising heavily. I believe this is because the endorphins produced help them get through the addiction.

Is there ever a point when we can give all the addictions up? When we exercise normally, not to excess, through the work we do in the course of the day (producing some of our own food, etc.)? I can't answer that, but my experience with my father tells me that we are expected to, now or later. This is part of the human experience. It is a requirement. That is where I am setting my sights. In the mean time, I am going to be gritting my teeth a little.

I have decided to do an extended juice fast. (http://www.juicefeasting.com/ and http://www.globaljuicefeast.com/ ) to help me get through this. Cold turkey (pardon the expression).

I believe the extended fast (or feast as they prefer to call it) will help me clear all the addictive substances out of my body so that I can begin anew. It is a very scary thing, but I am very brave hahahahaha. I'll keep you posted.

Change Before You Have To

I learned a couple of things to day that I want to catalogue before I forget them. One is the title, and I'm not sure where it comes from. It was quoted in a talk I was listening to from Kevin Gianni. It referred to making changes in the business arena before the world runs over you, but it certainly applies in our personal lives as well.

I was thinking about it in terms of repentance. I was preparing my lesson for seminary the text of which was Ezekiel 37. The context is that the first 36 chapters, Ezekiel has fortold doom and destruction for the house of Israel. We are referred back to the D&C scripture that tells us the always come back lovingly with those whom we have chastised, and we see that the Lord follows this pattern with Israel. He had no choice but to execute judgement on them, but he lovingly lets them have the hope of the resurrection and the knowledge that Israel would be gathered at a later time, in fact one in his hand.

When it comes to repenting, it seems like it would be better to change before we are forced to. When we see things in our lives that need changing, take the hint, and work on making a change. I am learning that the Lord is very patient with us in this regard. He really doesn't care how long it takes us. It is to our own advantage to change sooner than later, but if we hold back for whatever reason, he waits for us. Of course, that day comes inevitably when we must pay the piper, but then he is still there to offer us hope.

This is certainly a pattern that applies to our health choices. It would seem that if we affect change before we have to that we would not suffer nearly as many consequences to our rambunctious behavior. We have certainly learned this painful lesson with Darius' cancer.

I keep wondering if I had read The China Study earlier, would it have made a difference? I have studied so many of these principles over the years, I doubt that it would have. I think I had to see it up close and personal for it to sink into my thick head. This realization has made me a lot more sympathetic to the plight of the house of Israel.

I heard today of another book called The Four Agreements. From don Miguel Ruiz' website:

"Everything we do is based on agreements we have made - agreements with ourselves, with other people, with God, with life. But the most important agreements are the ones we make with ourselves. In these agreements we tell ourselves who we are, how to behave, what is possible, what is impossible. One single agreement is not such a problem, but we have many agreements that come from fear, deplete our energy, and diminish our self-worth."

Here are the four agreements, again from their website:

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word

Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make Assumptions

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

I am already feeling like the execution of these agreements would make a difference in our lives. I can't wait to read the book and change before I am compelled to.

Perspective

All one has to do is read this post from 13 months ago to know that it's all in your perspective. It seems like a very naive post compared to all we've been through in those 13 months.

I actually stopped blogging because I thought it was too redundant. Of course, when life started picking up, I was not thinking of my blog. What has brought me back to it is my efforts to change my life. Blogging was suggested as a way to do this as I catalogue the changes taking place.

It was even suggested that I purchase a webcam to document physical changes. That seems a little silly, but who knows? It may help me down the road. Perhaps accountability if only to my blog is what I am lacking when it comes to making permanent, productive changes.

As far as changes in the last 13 months: I probably should address that if only to document it.

I was released as relief society president and called as the seminary teacher for our branch. We were also released from our mission calling. No sooner did all that happen but Dorian's wife left him and took the 3 children to live in Connecticut (Aug 15, 2007). We knew they were there but were unable to have contact with them. I know that Dorian did establish contact with them, but I did not see them until Jan. 28, 2008.

I can't begin to say how much excruciating pain this has caused all of us. I don't even think Dorian, who suffered the most, realizes how much it affected the rest of his family. Dorian called at the end of January to say that Bonnie was sending Wyatt and Angelina back home so that she could care for Kayla better. What a relief to have them back home. I think they have been to hell and back with all the turmoil. It is very hard on them having their parents split up.

The day after Bonnie and the children left, Dorian was staying with Darius and Alicia so that he would not have to stay at his house alone. That night Darius had a seizure and became unconscious. The next day, he was diagnosed with a life threatening brain tumor. After 3 surgergies, meningitus contracted as a result of the last surgery, and 4 horrendous weeks in and out of ICU, he returned home in a very weakened state. Dorian and Roger and I spent several nights in the hospital so that Alicia wouldn't have to be there by herself.

We really were not sure when he returned home whether he would be all right. As I prayed for him, I asked for guidance in how to help him. I was impressed to give him what was defined in the inspiration as "mild foods": basically vegetable and fruit juices, and organic foods. After a couple of days of this, he made some magnificent recovery, and we felt encouraged by his progress and his energy level.

The more we investigated this and prayed about it, the more drawn we were to health arenas that I had heard about over the years, but I had not been able to assimilate. I was impressed to tell him about a raw food lifestyle and specifically the Hippocrates program in West Palm. He went to visit and eventually spent a week there with Alicia and us.

The Hippocrates program is one that advocates eating raw vegetables, specifically greens and sprouts, with a good dose of wheatgrass juice. They also advocate the use of supplements like algae and superfoods (about $300 - $500 per person per month). Needless to say, it was frustrating to me to think that is what is required to for health.

Additionally, I was suffering from a horrible (worst I had ever had) yeast infection. Nothing I did seemed to alleviate the pain and aggravation. Again, I was praying about it. This time the Lord answered my prayer through another person. We were at an organic vegetable market (Josh's in Hollywood) drinking our green drink when I saw a young man eating lettuce leaves at another table. I remarked to Roger that I wished I could have the desire to do that, that I could love greens well enough to do that. Roger went over to him and asked him if he was a raw fooder, and he answered that yes, in fact he was.

We began talking, and somehow the conversation evolved around the fact that the reason I had such a bad case of candida was that I was consuming too large a percentage of fat in comparison to the number of calories in carbs that I was eating. Justin told me about a man named Dr. Douglas Graham who wrote a book explaining this, and he sold me a copy of the book which I read on the way home.

Dr. Graham recommends keeping our dietary fat to within 10 -15% of our daily calories. Carbs need to be in the 80% range for good health for humans. He is a natural hygienist which is something I studied quite extensively in the early 80's.

One thing I have learned through all of this is how highly addicted I am to fats. I am still learning this, and I will let you know how it works out as I go through the blog in the coming days.

I have made some amazing discoveries along the way, too much to go into at one posting. Hopefully, I can take one concept and expand upon it as I go through my journey the next few months.

In the meantime, Dorian is stuggling to be a single parent. We are struggling to help him with that in our realm of responsibility. Darius has had two MRI's since leaving the hospital both of which were clear. He lost his job last week and is struggling with how to respond to unemployment in light of all the things he is learning.

Life is a lot of things, but boring is not one of them!